Improving Campus Safety

By Ben Roethlisberger

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recently suspended Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for six games for “conduct detrimental to the NFL”. In an effort to restore his image, and in accordance with the terms of the punishment given by Goodell, Roethlisberger has made numerous appearances and written several public service announcements on behalf of his newly established student safety program “Ben’s Kids” The following is Roethlisberger’s call for improved student safety.

A disturbing trend among college age students has been steadily sweeping the nation over the past year. Reports of student “creepers” have skyrocketed on college campuses with officials worried that many more cases are going unreported. Most students have heard of someone, or perhaps have even known first hand of a person who has been the victim of this heinous crime. We all know the story, a group of friends hit up the bar scene for some innocent fun on the weekend only to find out the next day while uploading their pics to facebook that they were preyed upon by an oblivious cyber predator. The inebriated face passing by in the background of their group shot who happens to make eye contact with the camera while looking for a bathroom serves as a chilling reminder of the dangers facing today’s young women across the country. I literally cannot think of anything more traumatizing that could happen to an under aged girl at a nightclub. Nothing at all. There is nothing worse than that. That I can think of. That is the worst. The absolute worst possible thing.

The horror is only magnified when a friend brings attention to the injustice by tagging the man in the photo as “creeper”. While it is important to acknowledge the severity of these crimes by labeling offenders, such tags can often reopen emotional wounds. Follow these simple tips to ensure you never fall victim to campus creepers*:

1.      Creepers generally show up in photos where large groups of women are present. When going out, do so alone without any friends.

2.      The flash of the camera and the strobe lights of nightclubs seem to enable creepers. When walking to and from the bar try to take the poorest lit route possible. Back roads and alleys are always your best bet. As noted previously, remember to always travel alone.

3.      Bars are loud and boisterous establishments. To avoid creepers you will want to travel as quietly as possible. Refrain from bringing any noise producing devices such as cell phones or any type of whistle.

4.      When in social settings it is always important to stay away from anyone who looks like a less sterile version of Jeff Bridges as “The Dude”. Think Gimli from Lord of the Rings. These men are always dangerous, especially if they have ever won a Super Bowl.

5.      If all these precautions have been taken and creepers still cannot be avoided simply escape to the bathroom. Nothing bad ever happens in there.

Be Safe and Go Deep,

Big Ben

*Don’t follow these tips.